Life is changing

Have been thinking about lots today. I struggle to get motivated each day, with the side effects of Arimidex I'm needing to take to keep a secondary breast cancer (in my lower back) at bay. Feeling now like the medical system; because my two separate breast cancers needed mastectomies, chemo and scans, is now expecting me to be "magically better". Probably a bit harsh, just seems that the moment one is past the dangerous and very ill bit, "she'll be right now-run back to work:it's all good!"

Well, sorry, I need longer than that to recover. It's true what they say about who's most important and how your priorities change when you get cancer-totally! My workplace is indeed very supportive, but on their terms. I'm too weary to build up to my former hours in the time they expect. So I've decided to move back to Melbourne to be closer to my son and his little family. I mean, who could stay away from this cherubic child? (1st pic) . It seems that when one is single, one is "a bit different" from everyone else, and I find that some can be quite intolerant-dare I say threatened when I stick up for myself.

I'm rambling, I know-just that I'm over the pain. Joint pain associated with side effects of drug. Ya can't win! Can't stop taking it, or the bit in the back will start growing again. I guess I'd rather have the side effects.

I think about my family, my mother (last pic) and sisters, how much my son has grown from the tiny boy I gave birth to 30 years ago (3rd pic) and I really miss my dad, despite whinging about his way of the world far too much.

I "met" someone nice on here today too-meandering mother, who I hope will reply and follow. What a wonderful blog-inspired me to start again.

Going off now to do my sound meditation with my Tibetan bowl. More later.

Holidays & colds

My sister arrived the day before Christmas Eve from interstate. First time I'd seen her for sometime. Christmas Eve we set off from Ballarat on the train to Melbourne, catching another onevot to Dan & Adelles place. Little Charlotte has come on in le apps and bounds-understanding a tremendous amount forher age. She tries to string words together, but it just comes out as gobbledygook for now. She says a few single words.

Adelle's r relatives formed the large contingent for Christmas lunch. All veryjolly. They couldnt go home till quite late as tbe weather turned very nasty-complete with tornado. Indeed. When they arrived home, they discvered extensive damage to the porch and verandah of the house.

We returned on the trains on boxing day, and have done our usual touristy things. Though today, Phil was on her own as I stayed abed with heavy cold.

Will load some photos later.

Waiting, thinking

I am sitting in the waiting area of the oncology outpatients, waiting to be called. I am thinking cynically that I will probably be kept waiting well past my appointment time, because of the stir I caused here last week, which resulted in the admin staff treating me badly and making me feel very guilty.

Not my fault that the insurance compNy paying my income protection during my period of illness had only a particular window to fill out my part and medico's part of form to fill out and return to the company. How DARE this not coincide with today's appointment!

So I need to be careful today I don't shoot my mouth off, but will be clear about the fact that any subsequent forms will be done together with my GP.

I hope whoever I see today (always someone different) will actually address all the various complaints that I discussed with the breast cancer support nurse last week, and not sweep them under the preverbal-not in the mood for that today!

After my appointment I have a birthday lunch with some friends to go to, in celebration of my birthday tomorrow. It's my son's today-can't believe he's 28. It was lovely seeing them last Saturday for lunch, and spending time after lunch with him, Adelle and little Charlotte-the best therapy. How she is growing, and although not yet 2, very forward and understanding of everything. Christmas this year will be a joy for all who celebrate with her. My sister will be arriving from interstate next week, to stay with me for the few days either side if Christmas and new year.

Well it's passed my time-and still I sit-why am I not surprised? Those of you reading this will probably think I'm whinging and feeling sorry for myself: you'd be right, of course, but I reckon I've got good cause to. And having read the blog if a much younger cancer sufferer from across the sea, and having been inspired, encouraged, and feeling less like I need to constantly "keep the pecker up", I feel that actually saying what I feel and not being always optimistic for the sake of it is actually good therapy.

More later!

Another sleepless night...

It's 1.10am and still I'm awake. Most annoying. Hot too-it's raining off and on and I have the bedroom window open, longing for a breeze that's just not there.

At least I went out today and returned a library book and did some shopping. Indulged and bought a couple of DVDs. One called The Tourist was absolutely brilliant. Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie interesting combination.

My friend dropped in on her way home from work, most amused to see I had moved my portable air conditioner into the living room already (it was"only" 25 degrees today). Well, that's it-should be in England: I can't stand warm weather! WHAT a strange Australian, they say!
I didn't call my mother earlier tonight as I was going to, and also didn't return a call from my friend John from an old workplace, who is also suffering serious illness-as I was thinking about him, he called again tonight to check I hadn't gone back to hospital. Thoughtful of him.

It's nice listening to the rain - just wish I could go to sleep. Watched Onegin today too-another special movie. Will try and go for a walk tomorrow-maybe that will help me sleep. Seem to have disturbed the sleeping pattern.

Things to be thankful for

How lucky I am to have such a wonderful support network of family, friends and organizations. Earlier this week I received a box of many delights from my two sisters: a piece of our mothers 80th birthday cake, two DVDs of favorite programs, 3 books by favorite authors, a gorgeous card of a delightful cat watercolour print and a little silk pouch with mirror and two Italian classical CDs.
The the same day I received the second of two books written by a former work colleague. He also sends me his drafts for me to proof read.
Yesterday my cleaning lady came, which has been a great help since my operation and I also received a delivery from the McGrath Foundation-the breast cancer charity and support organization here in australia. Great things!
It's also wonderful to have this medium to share experiences and more importantly to make new friends! With everything available to us we live in an amazing age of opportunity. Making use of such things can only enhance our God given journey on earth.

Better every day

Very nice last couple of days. Despite the weather being drizzly, windy & cold yesterday, my friend and I went ing to the lake for the town's annual fair. Very long walk round the lake (just over 6kms), but my stiffness and soreness only proved that I really need to go out every day for walking. List of interesting stalls, bought part of Charlotte's Christmas present, sweets for any trick or treaters that might turn up and my favourite home made natural soap.

There were some vintage and classic cars as well as model planes including one with fold up wings which was full size.

My breast cancer nurse was there manning her stand and also caught up with other breast cancer sufferers and survivors I've met along my journey. Was tired when I got home but well worth it. My friend had brought her dog so my Harriet got her first canine socialising experience. Was quite hilarious. Wished I'd got a photo of the staring competition. Tash is such a lovely quiet gentle dog and lives with a cat at her place.

Then today my son, his partner & Charlotte came and we went and lunched at the restaurant by the lake. Very nice. Charlotte fascinated with all the birdlife on the lake.

Did a bit of shopping after lunch and came back home for tea and entertainment, courtesy of Charlotte of course. Very pleasant two days-how fortunate I am.

Tomorrow back to the hospital for fluid draining and first oncology appointment since my surgery: I wonder what treatment I'm in for this time?

Insomnia

I achieved a lot today-got up earlier, doing my best to fight the inescapable tiredness brought on by the cancer treatment I'm on currently. Got a letter in to the Govt benefit body to notify them of changes in my rent, then indulged myself and drove to my favourite craft supply shop and purchased way too many fabric samples for my patchwork. I find I am really enjoying it at the moment. Certainly if the level of motivation continues, I will soon have it finished, and will perhaps begin another.

Tonight I really miss my father, who has been gone now for two years. I feel I have only ever focussed on the irritating and guilt-laden times when he was alive. I should not be doing this. I'm sure this happens to us all. Things we know we should have said, times together we could have made more of.

I am very glad that I included photos from happy times in my earlier childhood with my sisters in the commemorative book I compiled for my mothers 80th birthday. As I wad preparing it, putting them all in chronological order, many of them stirred clear memories for me.

Now as I come to terms with my cancer journey, this morning (it's 1.30am and I am in pain as well as dwelling on unkind thoughts I have harboured about my disposition sometimes with my father in the past.) I probably would have been resentful, angry and bitter if I had suffered like he did. My cancer journey is much mor easy to bear in comparison.

This blog entry has all but turned out like a counseling session! Good to get it out no doubt. And my physical pain? Might need to visit the hospital earlier than planned to relieve the fluid pressure. I'll see what tomorrow brings.

I am eternally grateful for my friends-one of whom collected my dinner and her own, and ate with me tonight. Was feeling good then. Will look forward to a spring fair by the lake she suggested we attend on Sunday.

Now I must try and sleep.